A pathetic attempt at bringing the television show to the PC - some of the most unresponsive controls ever experienced in a game.

I have got to be honest with everyone. I haven’t seen a wrestling match since the days when I thought girls had cooties. To me, it seems to be a rather immature television program along the same lines as Jerry Springer, with over dramatized theatrics that would make even soap operas seem like quality entertainment. But I digress.

Due to my extreme lack of knowledge in today’s World Wrestling Entertainment industry (formerly World Wrestling Federation), I’ve enlisted the help of my easily excitable country bumpkin friend, Pete. Say hello Pete.

"Howdy!"

Well done. Pete is an obsessive viewer of toilet television, and as such, he has an extensive, almost encyclopedic knowledge of any and every thing wrestling. Isn’t that right Pete?

"Aw hell yea Baby! Rasslin’ is pert near my favorite thang in the whole world, next to my shotgun uh course."

Of course. Anyway, Pete and I are now going to fire up WWE Raw, and begin playing with our daisy chained Sidewinder gamepads.

"Can yuh smell what duh Rock is cookin'! Can I git a hell yea! Can yuh…"

Pete, please. The game hasn’t even started yet.

"Just phsychin’ muhself up Baby! Woo!"

As we all know, every previous attempt at bringing the childish world of wrestling to the PC has been a total failure to say the least. WCW Nitro is a prime example of how a PC wrestling game can be destroyed by cumbersome control, poor graphics, and gameplay shallower than the television show itself.

"Umm, I hate to butt in like dis, but why duh hell is it takin’ so damn long to go through these words an’ stuff? I just wanna play the damn game uhready!"

This game has an ungodly amount of credits to sit through before the game starts, and there’s no way to skip through them. Just be patient.

WWE is mostly below average when it comes to graphics. The resolution is stuck in a sloppy 640x480 set-up, and the lack of graphical tweaking options is a clear sign of this game's console roots. Also murdering the graphics is a motion blur effect that, in addition to the low screen resolution, makes things pretty blurry and washed out.

Animation is iffy at best. Some player moves look fantastic, while others appear stiff, unnatural, and just plain odd.

"Yuh damn right they look weird! Muh rassler is walkin’ like sumbody shoved somethin’ straight up his ass! Lookey, yuh rassler is doin’ it too! What a pansy!"

That’s really funny Pete, you just keep on laughing.

"Prepare to be opened a can up on! Or something like dat! Woohoo! Wait a second, muh rassler moves too slow! Now muh controller ain’t workin’...no wait, it’s workin’ again! What the hell!"

That’s right Pete. The control of your wrestler is sluggish and awkward. The controls stop working altogether on occasion, while you can do nothing but watch your on screen hack-lete get pummeled. Obviously, it’s something that should have been fixed well before release.

"Sound sucks too! I could fart more realistic rasslin’ sounds than these!"

Eloquently put Pete. The sound certainly does bite, and it bites hard. Think of an old voiced over kung fu movie, and you will have a pretty good idea of just how bad it is. Clang, bang, clunk, and plunk, topped off with your usual metal soundtrack, and you have got yourself one weak game element.

How about we try a tag team match together Pete?

"Yea, cuz this is bout as fun as pissin’ on a rattlesnake!"

The horrid controls make tag team wrestling even more difficult to play. With more than one other person in the ring, it’s hard to tell exactly who your avatar is looking at, which will undoubtedly lead to numerous mistakes on your part.

"Maybe we could make us a rassler that’s better than these fools! These guys are so damn slow, and they can only throw like three punches fore they tire themselves out!"

Sure thing Pete. Creating a wrestler allows you to control every aspect of your character, all the way down to the lights on the ramp when he enters the ring. However, it seems that no matter how you configure your fighter’s abilities, he will still be slow and difficult to maneuver.

The camera can also become confused when performing certain moves. The camera will switch to a different view to show off a special move, only there will be an object (an audience poster, a ring post, etc) blocking your view.

"Did you mention how crappy duh crowd looks! They look like something muh four year old son would make outta paper and stuff!"

No, I hadn’t Pete. Thanks for that searing bit of commentary.

"Dis thang is nuthin’ but a goddamn rip off!"

I couldn’t have said it better myself my illiterate friend. WWE Raw is a pathetic attempt to bring a worthless television show to the PC. It is such a poor game in fact, that my wrestling nut friend here couldn’t stomach it.

"You got dat right Baby! If I wanted to play with something this slow till I wuz bored, I would just go back home to Maybeline!"

Ok Pete, thanks for coming over. Now please leave.

"See ya’ll later! And don’t buy this game! Cuz Stone Cold said so!"

Reviewed by Michael Bordelon, PC Gameworld.