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Unfortunately, the best part of this game was uninstalling it and using the disks for coasters while taking a big gulp of Pepto Bismol.

Unless you enjoy the frivolous feeling of tossing your hard earned money out the window just for grins, hold on to your purses and wallets and save that cash for a game that is worth buying.

Midnight Nowhere is by far the worst adventure title I have ever had the displeasure of playing. Stacked up against the horrible and little known adventure title Who Killed Sam Rupert?, Midnight Nowhere makes ol’ Sam look like filet mignon next to the raw chopped liver that is this game.


Where to begin

Midnight Nowhere was a long and highly anticipated title. Having waited over a year past the original release date I was sure the wait would be worth all the thumb twiddling… that is, until I played it.

Waking up in a hospital morgue inside a body bag definitely rings of possibilities for the beginning of a good story; however, that is where the intrigue both began and ended for this game.

The amnesiatic protagonist must piece the story together as much as the player does, with a thin to almost non-existent storyline. The story behind the game is simply that a killer is on the loose and an entire city’s population has been “quarantined” (read evacuated) to avoid anymore deaths.

The game is filled with mistranslations and strange scripting that can’t be described any less that just ‘plain off-the- wall’ with remarks like, “I’m not into yoga” when trying to pick up a piece of glass. Further complicating the story are numerous references to Russian people and cultural familiarities that will leave you scratching your head unless you are well versed in Russian culture.

The lackluster hero in this story is about as emotionless as brick with a personality that is flatter than the 2D background he is set against. Never once is he upset about waking up in a body bag or being locked inside a hospital with dead bodies strewn all over the place.

What he does do is make lewd and lascivious comments about women—alluding to a masturbation session (I am being nice here) in the corner after spotting a pornographic picture (of which there are quite a number), and he goes on hinting around at necrophilia a couple of times throughout the game . Hey, we do know our hero is a junky with a craving for shooting up heroin, so dead chicks are probably as good as it gets for him anyway. {All women may now exit the review room to the left; single file please}.

Puzzles are overly tedious with the code and key quests repeating themselves as much as the technical difficulties experienced in this game. Most of the puzzles are just downright mind-numbing, lacking any imagination except for the inserted vulgarity and demeaning remarks directed at the player as he or she tries to click on object or use inventory.

Some of the puzzles integrate looking for objects such as a dildo, a condom, or drug-related items. Then there is Ms. Victoria Lollipop…just how many licks does it take…sorry, the game has corrupted my sensibility on what to expect out of a quality adventure game. Oh goody, a game for children of all ages! {Thinks to self, ‘yo dog, this game is so ghetto’}

Finally, the interface in the game is awkward and clunky, having multiple buttons to do one task, but depending on what icon is utilized, the player will be given different answers each time.

Even if the player has the right idea about what action needs to be performed, and uses the wrong icon, the game won’t give so much as a hint that the player is otherwise on the right track. Further, sometimes the icon for ‘pick up” will appear highlighted when in actuality the only thing that can be performed is a “look.”


Okay so now that the high points have been covered...

Well just as the protagonist has amnesia, so does this game when it comes to remembering which operating systems it is supposed to perform on. The game seems to play without problem on Windows XP, but if you have Windows ME you can expect some major problems.

After loading the game it was all downhill from there. Saves were impossible if the intro sequences were skipped. After having played through a couple hours of drudgery I suddenly realized it was all for naught. Thus proceeded a second round of playing.

This time graphics somehow got screwy and when the load screen popped up, the graphics acceleration seems to slow to a crawl with a “floaty” mouse and slow game load taking upwards of 10 minutes to scroll to my saved game, which didn’t automatically pop up as the first choice for a load.

After getting into game play again, out of nowhere my character began a series of wild jerking and spinning, as if he was having an epileptic seizure while performing the jitter-bug. I managed to put a spoon in his mouth so he didn’t swallow his tongue but the glitch continues every now and then throughout the game play.

Saving the game didn’t seem to stop the glitch so the press for getting through the game became more urgent, until it became obvious I would have to load a new game altogether.

I finally gave up on completing the game on round 4 when the game save would load frozen and not even allow so much as a mouse click to exit, causing me to have to do a shut down. After several attempts, I felt the game wasn’t worth the effort or risk of destroying my hard drive.

Unfortunately, the best part of this game was uninstalling it from my computer and using the disks for coasters while taking a big gulp of Pepto Bismol.


Review by Michelle Whicker.