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Warning: Like the game, this review contains strong language and is recommended for mature audiences only.

I’ll jack your car. Yeah, that’s right. I’ll take it. You see, that’s my (bleep)ing car. You’re just holding on to the piece of (bleep) until I need it, paying the (bleep)sucking payments, handling the (bleep)ing insurance, and generally being a good boy until the time comes that I take the car from you. Don’t like it? Go (bleep) yourself. This is Liberty City, my (bleep)ing city, and I can do whatever the (bleep) I want.

I got screwed. Did hard time for a soft crime. Got stabbed in the (bleep)ing back for it, too. Now, it’s my turn. Gotta start over. Gotta make an impression, make my mark. It’s the only way that it’ll work. It’s the only way I can get what’s mine. And you’re going to help. You’re gonna want to help. As if you had a (bleep)ing choice.

Maybe you were too cheap to get a PlayStation 2. Maybe your job, you know, the place you go to everyday, pretending not to get on your knees and (bleep) your boss’ (bleep), doesn’t pay you enough so that you can feel free to throw down $200 clams to buy that system. Maybe your wife, who holds your nuts in a jar like a (bleep)ing testament to girl power, wouldn’t let you get it. Whatever the reason, you now have an out.

You see, my boys down at Rockstar Games did you a favor; they released the game for the PC. You know, the beige box sitting in your den that you got because it was easy to convince the (bleep)ing whore you could be productive on the (bleep)ing thing. Now, you really can be productive; you can help me out.

If you’re a real high-roller, and played the PS2 version, don’t just (bleep)ing think you can skim down to the rating, because a lot of this (bleep) is different for the PC version. So, pay attention, pencil-neck. I don’t want to have to (bleep)ing repeat myself.

Like I said, I need to move up in the world. The opening scene, shot in near Scorcese fashion, tells the story of how I got double-crossed, thrown in the can, then busted out. It’s a nice piece of cinematic art. Gives you a good feel for how the game’s going to be. I had some help from a guy named 8-Ball, and he’s my initial contact in Liberty City. He hooks me up with Luigi, who gets me my first jobs. Generally, it’s whore-driving bull(bleep) but it’s work, and I need the (bleep)ing money.

I hope you’re not some sissy, the sort of guy who’s afraid to commit crime or see a little (bleep)ing blood splattered around every once in a while. It’s part of the job. If you don’t like it, I hear there’s a new (bleep)ing Barney game and a nice Britney Spears action-adventure out. Hell, you can play the game then play with yourself afterward. If this stuff doesn’t bother you, then hell, you’re my kind of guy, and (bleep) what the (bleep)ing politicians and bleeding heart (bleep)suckers have to say about it. You’re in for some fun.

Now, what you are going to notice is that things look real good. If you caught a look at the PS2 version, you’ll be amazed at how much better things look. The PC’s got more balls (unless you went cheap and bought an eMachines piece of crap) and the Rockstar boys made sure to put it to work. Picture the difference between TV resolution and 1600x1200. It’s (bleep)ing gorgeous. And we did away with that clipping bull(bleep) and most other annoying problems with computer graphics. This stuff is clean. You’ll like.

First order of business is getting some wheels. Don’t worry about money; you won’t need it. I see a car I like, I take it. Just be careful what you take. Don’t be a dumbass and steal some old (bleep)ing ladies cruiser. That (bleep) isn’t going to go fast and won’t handle well. Pigs’ll have you busted in no time. And, early on, you can’t go toe to toe with the fuzz because all you’ll have is a Louisville Slugger to protect yourself. Not good. So, clip something nice, like a Mafia Sentinel or a Diablo Stallion. Make sure your home-run swing is refined, because these SOBs might not like the idea. (Bleep) them. They probably stole the car themselves anyway.

OK, so you have a ride. Now, you get to Luigi and start getting work. Every time you go for a job, the scene is told through another cinematic, and again, this (bleep) is good. They got some big names to do the voice-acting (yes, there’s voice acting. The real boys are all in lockup or six feet deep now). Guys like Mike Madsen did the work. You’ll recognize the voices. This is a nice touch. Real nice. Me, I don’t talk much on screen.

Everything is dynamic. You cap someone in the middle of the day, the fuzz’ll want you. If you off the fuzz, your criminal rating goes up. What starts as a battle between you and a flatfoot escalates into an all out war, complete with SWAT and (bleep)ing tanks and helicopters. That happens, and you’re (bleep)ed. You go to jail or die. Either way, you lose all your hardware and a good deal of cash. The cops like cash.

What you’re going to realize is that this is like nothing you’ve ever played before. You want to talk interactive entertainment? I got your (bleep)ing interactive entertainment right here. People talk, react, and act like normal people would. They beat the (bleep) out of each other right on the street. They curse, they run, they do it all. It (bleep)ing rains, it (bleep)ing changes from day to (bleep)ing night. It seems real. And, in this world, you get to be me, instead of living that miserable 9 to 5 attempt at a life that generally revolves around you trying to prove you have balls you never possessed.

This is your ultimate fantasy. Beat the crap out of someone for no reason. Take their money. Then, wait around for the ambulance, beat the crap out of the driver and steal the truck. Then, you can pretend to be an ambulance driver. For all of you (bleep)ing role-playing freaks out there, you can also be a cab driver (and earn money for it) a fireman, or, if you have the (bleep)ing balls, you can beat the crap out of a cop and become a vigilante. All of this has nothing to do with the general idea of the game, it’s just side-action. And you can do it for as long as you like.

Now, I asked for your help, and I don’t want some half-assed commitment. I want full-time. This game ain’t short. Don’t waste my (bleep)ing time by thinking this is some joke, some average game that barely gives you bang for your buck. There is a lot of area to cover in this game, plenty of jobs to carry out, and a long list of crimes to commit. Liberty City has three separate islands, and you’ll have to help me unlock them all to get to the end of the game.

There are some other enhancements to the PC version. For one, I am (bleep)ing particular about my tunes. In the PS2 version, there were a few (bleep) stations. In the PC version, you can take your pick from that huge folder of illegal MP3s you’ve downloaded. Basically, you can make your own playlist. Just don’t play Barry Manilow or Dan Fogelberg, or I’ll hop through your (bleep)ing TV screen and shove your (bleep)ing balls into your eager (bleep)ing mouth. Get it?

Now, don’t tell no one I told you this, but this game ain’t perfect. First of all, we don’t like idiots who don’t update their drivers. No, I don’t mean that you hire and fire the guys jockeying your whores back and forth, I mean the (bleep)ing software that runs your (bleep)ing hardware. Also, consoles kick ass when it comes to controlling this sort of game, so it might take a little getting used to on your PC. Don’t do something smart and buy a (bleep)ing gamepad to play this, that would make too much (bleep)ing sense. Another problem is that, for some (bleep)ing reason, console games get ported to the PC with the same limited save features. For the bold sort, this ain’t no big thing, but PC gamers are used to better than that. And I think they should be made happy. PC gamers have class.

Also, that firecracker piece of crap that you use to surf the net looking for naked pictures of the Olsen twins ain’t gonna cut it, neither. (Remember, Hugh Heffner is staying alive just long enough to get them in Playboy, so just wait for that). You need a big system to run this game. This ain’t for the sissy who plays the nickel slots and sucks down as many free drinks as possible in a lame attempt to forget his miserable life. This is for the high-roller. The guy with a wad of cash, dressed in Armani, honey at his side, dropping hundreds at the $100 crap table because he is bored. For you (bleep)ing morons who don’t get it, that means something along the lines of a P-IV 1.5 GHZ, with some GeForce3 power behind it. Sure, you could run it on something slower, but that’s sort of like watching your best friend nail the prom queen instead of doing it yourself.

You might have thought I did some good things in GTA 1 and GTA2. But this is me, 2K2 style. I got better-looking (as if that’s possible) deeper, with a better sound and tons of action. Basically, from what I’ve heard from the guys who get paid to write about this sort of thing, I might have transformed gaming. Like I give a (bleep). They shoulda known I could do it. And, they even say not to be turned off by what you’ve heard. This game really is the real deal. A gamer’s game. The sort of thing that only comes along every five years or so. Kind of like a parole hearing.

Buy the game. Help me out. Live a life better than you ever have before. Basically, stop being a (bleep)ing sissy. Hell, you might then wake up one day, take control of your life, and become one of us. That’s what the government says will happen. Don’t listen to them. All that’s gonna happen is, for once, you’ll have some (bleep)ing harmless fun. Big (bleep)ing deal.

Reviewed by John Misak.