Unless you are truly desperate for an “adults only” title that you can wrap your hand around while you fiddle with your “joystick” stay away from Lula 3D.

Lula proved to be a bit too much woman for the men around here to handle so they left it up to me to grope and ogle Lula 3D. Everyone knows a woman knows best how to touch another woman the right way so exploring every inch of Lula 3D was my goal. Now let’s get right down to it! Lula 3D is an adults only game so all you tender young things need to hide your eyes because there are no censor bars here. There is pure unadulterated nudity, sex and seduction going on and it’s definitely hardcore.

Lula 3D isn’t a sex game. What it tries to be is more of a point and click, erotic mystery adventure game. I say try because it’s about as good as really bad porn. Then again, who watches porn for the acting or production values? You know you’re not really thinking about getting Lula 3D because of it’s superior graphics or intriguing storyline. You’re buying it because you heard there were people in it having sex on tables and lesbians in the shower.

What’s a luscious porn star turned producer supposed to do when the sexy triplets for her latest flick have disappeared? Well rather than call the police right away, she decides to look into things for herself and discover the mystery of the missing threesome.

Lula searches deep inside and out for clues, tools and a vibrator or two that will help her find the missing porn stars and get her production back on schedule. And aren’t you in luck because right from the start her lavish estate is packed with sex starved starlets who walk around nude and speak suggestively when they’re not moaning and humping like the naughty nymphs they are. It seems like the creators of Lula 3D wanted to make a game that had real gameplay elements to make it a naughty adventurous romp.

Unfortunately it’s pulled off about as well or worse than porn with a script. The game is hilariously entertaining for about five seconds during the opening FMV when a dog starts humping a man’s leg thanks to Lula’s sexy dancing. Then it becomes somewhat titillating as you hope for something good while puzzling over the outdated character model rendering. Ultimately however, Lula 3D turns out to be a sad excuse of a thing that makes you wish you had a fast forward button to just skip to the “good parts” except there really aren’t any.

Don’t think for a moment that you can just have your way with the gaggle of virtual vixens in the game because you can’t. That alone would have been enough to make the game worth playing. But, no…Lula is a woman on a mission. There’s porn to be made and every minute those triplets aren’t being nailed in front of the poolside camera by Long Dong Thingie is money down the drain. Gameplay mostly consists of you maneuvering Lula through her environments and picking up everything from “belly button tickling” liquor to VCR cables that need to be used to advance the pathetically ridiculous storyline.

If you decided on getting Lula 3D because you figured it’d be the next big thing in interactive porn then you’ll be in for a rude awakening. I don’t know if they were really going for the cheap, porno production feel on purpose or if it’s just that the game is low in standard (possibly both), but whatever the reason, Lula 3D has graphics that remind me of early versions of the Poser 3D rendering software gone bad.

Lula isn’t hideous, but if you’re looking for 3D graphics that resemble the latest Dead or Alive game or anything resembling the latest in rendering and 3D modeling, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Lula’s looks aren’t stupendously smooth and realistic in the least. Even the opening FMV is clunky looking. And have I mentioned that Lula can’t even run and hold her head up at the same time in many cases? She often goes from “running” (if you want to call it that) to suddenly having her legs stop moving. That’s when she simply begins floating along in whatever direction you point her in.

Even with the graphics level turned way down it’s best not to look directly at anything while walking because the game seems to slow down to a crawl when you do. It’s not even that the backgrounds and levels are elaborate. I think its just bad programming.

Control for Lula 3D is horrendous. The way Lula walks is bad enough but heaven forbid you have to do any sidestepping or running. Everything about this game’s control is more awkward than a vestal virgin in a room full of horny, naked men. From the camera control to maneuvering it’s just plain awful. The game is slow and painful on so many levels.

Porn gets bad when people start talking instead of…well…it has –ing at the end and four letters before, so you figure that one out for yourself. The same goes for this game. It’s like badly written porn and surprise, surprise the voice actors are about as good at getting out their lines as porn actors and actresses. However they do very well at the moaning and grunting so I suppose that’s something and might be good enough to get somebody off.

I almost had to laugh at some of the lines, I groaned at a few and I kept being annoyed by the fact that I couldn’t tell if Lula was a European woman trying to sound like an American porn actress or an American trying to use an accent. I still haven’t quite figured that part out.

Ok. Bottom line. Unless you are truly desperate for an “adults only” title that you can wrap your hand around while you fiddle with your “joystick” stay away from Lula 3D. There are much better, more entertaining and less frustrating ways of getting your jollies than this.

Review by Cyndy Threadgill.